There are so many things that are out of my control.

I understand that there's nothing I can do to change that. But when I look at my life, and those who are involved in it, there are things I can't help but wonder. Like why that one person has changed so much. We used to be friends. Best friends, actually. But the last two years have put a lot of distance between us. I don't even know who she is anymore. It makes me sad, honestly. I can see her crumbling to pieces. There's a lot that she keeps hidden, just below the surface, but I know that it's there. And it's killing her. There are times when I want to reach out and give her a hand, just tell her that I'm here if she ever needs someone. Could I really do that though? I mean, yeah, I'm capable of it. But what difference would it make. She completely isolated herself from me last year, I couldn't have had more than 4 serious conversations with her, if even that. Sometimes I guess you need to let things go.

Then there's... him. A major character in my life right now. He's only let me see the true him as of late, and I love it. I love knowing him deeper than anyone else does. Seeing a side of him that he keeps to himself. But this side, though romantic and affectionate, has a darker tone to it as well. He gets really sad sometimes. I want to be able to help him with his problems, but what could I even say. For now I just try and be supportive, reassure him that I'm not judging him. And that despite the circumstances, I do love him. I'm not in love with him, and I've told him that too. It was even a lot when he told me he loved me after a week of dating. But I see that there are different forms of love. And even though I know that we don't possess the kind of passionate, romantic love at this point, I know that with time we will. And I know that we have love in the ways that count. People may doubt it, but what they think means nothing to me. 

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the one that tells you that wonderful things are underway for you? It's undeniable right now. Even though my life may not be perfect, or anywhere near it for that matter, I can't help but feel... giddy? Is that the word I'm looking for? Sure. 

I feel giddy.

I needed some change.

new layout; what do you think?

I love...

I love the fact that it's hours later, and I can still smell you on my skin.

...all of your cheesy lines.

...your easy going attitude.

...the level of comfort I feel with you.

...that time passes almost immeasurably. 

...how I have to stand on my toes to kiss you.

...your warm embrace.

...our first awkward kiss.

...our second awkward kiss.

...the amazing kisses that followed.

...that I don't need to try with you.

...that you make me feel so utterly loved, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

Tell me how love can come along so soon, in the most unexpected way, from the most unexpected person. The one who was always there. 

And if it were up to him, he probably always would be.

Time

Time is passing by super fast lately. For anyone that really cares, I'm sorry I haven't updated this thing in so long. Alot has happened to me since then. Things have changed, people have changed. I've probably changed too. It sounds ridiculous for probably the month's time that it's been, but it's true. Anyway there was that one person who I had an on and off thing all summer with. I knew I didn't want to be with him. I really had no intentions to. So that went down a very long and sad road trying to end things. And I think all the drama may finally be over. Unless he starts to bring it up again, which I wouldn't doubt if it happened.

I have a new guy in my life however, and ohhhh man, does he make me happy. It's been a long time coming with him, and I'm sure as hell glad it finally has happened for us. He was one of my best friends, I always thought maybe there was something there. And there was, and we're together now, and he kissed me for the first time last night (: (: (:

His ex hates me though. Shocker there. And it's funny, because this girl also had a thing with the guy that I broke things off with. And I got in the way of the two of them happening over the summer, and now I'm dating her ex (who she broke up with, so she really has no right). Speaking of exes who have no right to hate me, if you've read my blog since the beginning of summer, you would know that this girl (E) had hated me for awhile. Because I had dated her ex (S). Who she had broken up with. Well anyway I still don't really like her, but shocker here, they're dating again. Lucky them! They deserve eachother, they really do. 

I'm 16 now. If you care. I do, kind of. I don't feel any older though. I haven't gotten my permit yet, because I've had zero time. I'm a sophomore now, which is cool, because it's not a freshman. Which you never really realize how annoying freshmen are until you're a sophomore. But I see that now, and they just annoy the hell out of me. They don't move in the hallways and they're obnoxious. But other than the presence of them in the halls, I really don't even feel like a sophomore. Except for the shit load of work I get now. There is SO much work. It's not even funny. Ugh.

So yeah, I probably won't get to update this thing too much now because of school. I also have to keep a journal for english, so my thoughts will be going in there as well. Other news in my life: I'm starting to fix some broken friendships. It's a really good thing for me. It's taking time, as I would expect it to, but it's worth it. And also, these creepy seniors keep making comments to/about me. If they were hot I wouldn't mind, but they're not. And it doesn't matter, because I have a boyfriend who is worth so much more than the others guys. And worth wayyy more than all of the shit I put up with the last year of my life. 

But I consider this as me turning over a new leaf. Starting a new chapter. An absolutely amazing one, that I'm going to try like hell not to fuck up.

Much love,

K

Tumblr

Soooo, I finalllly figured out how the heck to use tumblr!

Follow me? I'm just getting started but there's a little bit on there.

http://chasingtomorrowsdreams.tumblr.com/